Witches Incorporated Read online

  Permelia Wycliffe’s clasped hands tightened. “The Guild be praised. You really do understand!”

  “Of course she does, Permelia,” said Eudora Telford, fresh tears trembling on her lashes. “Is she not the great-niece of Antigone Markham?”

  “I am,” said Bibbie. “And I promise you, in my great-aunt’s illustrious name, we will unmask this dastardly Millicent Grimwade. The final bake-off’s tomorrow, isn’t it? In the Town Hall?”

  “That’s correct,” said Permelia Wycliffe. “Commencing at eleven o’clock sharp. I take it we can count on you to be there in time?”

  “Have no fear, Miss Wycliffe,” said Bibbie grandly. “My colleagues and I will be there in plenty of time to prevent a grave miscarriage of culinary justice… and see that Millicent Grimwade receives her comeuppance.”

  Incredibly, it seemed that Permelia Wycliffe was on the brink of losing her intimidating composure. “Please, Miss Markham. Call me Permelia.”

  “Of course, Permelia… if you’ll agree to calling me Emmerabiblia.”

  “It would be an honour,” said Permelia Wycliffe, very nearly smiling. She extended her gloved hand. “Until tomorrow, Emmerabiblia.”

  Bibbie shook the woman’s hand. “Until tomorrow, Permelia,” she said gravely.

  “Come, Eudora,” said Permelia Wycliffe. “We still have the bake-off’s preparations to oversee.”

  Eudora bobbed a curtsey to Melissande, and nearly to Bibbie. “Your Highness—Miss Markham—so pleased—so gratified—”

  “Come along, Eudora!”

  “Coming, Permelia, coming!”

  With a last frosty nod at Melissande, and a thoughtful glance at the apparently empty birdcage on the desk, Permelia Wycliffe sailed towards the door with Eudora bobbing in her wake like a dinghy. But at the doorway, she hesitated then turned back. “I’m sorry. Did I hear you say your colleagues—plural—would be at the Town Hall tomorrow?”

  Bibbie nodded. “That’s right.”

  Permelia’s gaze shifted to Reg. “Do you mean to say you’ll be bringing…”

  “Reg?” Bibbie grinned cheerfully. “Of course. She feels left out if we don’t bring her along. Especially since she’s the National Bird of New Ottosland and figures prominently on the kingdom’s coat of arms. Doesn’t she, Miss Cadwallader?”

  Melissande scorched her with a look. “If you say so, Miss Markham.”

  “I see,” said Permelia Wycliffe, after a precarious moment. “Well, I’m sure the great-niece of Antigone Markham knows best.”

  And on that note, the door closed emphatically behind the two women from the Baking and Pastry Guild.

  “Gosh!” said Bibbie, and sagged on the desk. “Wasn’t that a stroke of luck, the president of the Baking and Pastry Guild needing our help! And to think I never thought batty old Great-aunt Antigone would ever come in handy.”

  “Luck? Luck?” said Melissande, free to stamp about the office in an excess of temper. “Luck’s not the first word that comes to my mind, you raving nutter!”

  “Why?” said Bibbie, amazed. “What have I done wrong now?”

  “You know perfectly well what you’ve done wrong!” she retorted. “Promising those two nitwits we could solve this ridiculous case? And all that guff about Rupert! Reg on the royal coat of arms! Honestly, Bibbie, you know I hate using that royalty claptrap to impress strangers. It’s crude and it’s common and it’s—”

  “Going to help us pay the bills!” said Bibbie. “Just like me being related to the saintly Antigone Markham saved us from your stupid insistence on wearing those ghastly tweed trousers! The least you could do is wear velvet, Melissande, at least velvet’s got some class! But no, you have to—”

  “Shut up!” roared Reg, rattling her tail feathers so hard she nearly fell off the ram skull. “The pair of you!”

  Shocked silent, they looked at her.

  “Mad Miss Markham’s right,” Reg continued severely. “We can’t afford to tiptoe on our principles. Not if we want to avoid landing on our penniless arses in the alley.” She bestowed upon Bibbie an approving nod. “Nice work spotting the Guild pins, ducky.”

  Bibbie dropped an ironical curtsey. “Thank you, Reg.”

  “But don’t you see?” said Melissande, despairing. “That dreadful Eudora Telford’s going to run around telling everyone I’ve got a tiara stuffed up my blouse!”

  Reg snorted. “Down the back of your trousers, more like it.”

  As Melissande advanced, Bibbie leapt between her and Reg’s ram skull. “Ignore her, Mel. You know she only does it to get a reaction.”

  “And anyway, madam here didn’t flap the Times under that silly woman’s nose!” Reg added, hopping from the ram skull to Bibbie’s shoulder. “That was you, ducky.”

  “Look, Mel, you need to focus on the big picture,” said Bibbie, impatient. “Which is that the Baking and Pastry Guild is a really, really big deal. I’m talking about an upper-crust sisterhood full of women of affluence and influence. Women with excellent connections—and money. Once we’ve solved the mystery of Millicent Grimwade’s cheating, trust me: we’ll have more work coming in than we know what to do with.”

  Melissande stared at her. “Once we’ve solved—Bibbie, are you saying you think that dreadful Wycliffe woman’s got a case against this Millicent Grimwade?”

  “Of course.”

  “Emmerabiblia Markham, are you telling me that a grown woman would stoop to dishonesty—if not downright illegality—just to win some cheap statue of a cooking utensil?”

  “Mel, Mel, Mel,” sighed Bibbie, shaking her head. “Don’t you have a Baking and Pastry Guild in New Ottosland?”

  “Probably,” she said. “I know I used to get served up some pretty awful jam rolls when I was out and about on official duty. But I was never a member. I had better things to do!”

  “Don’t you let Permelia Wycliffe hear you say that,” said Bibbie. “And stop being such a snob. I’ll have you know the internecine warfare of the Baking and Pastry Guild makes international politics look like a kiddie’s afternoon tea party. Trust me. Millicent Grimwade is up to no good.”

  “Why? Because she’s won a few cooking contests?”

  Bibbie wagged a finger. “Not a few, Mel. All of them. And all of them over the reigning Guild president. Trust me, it’s just not possible. Not without some unorthodox assistance.”

  Melissande blinked. It sounded utterly potty. But Bibbie seemed convinced, and she was the one with the presidential great-aunt.

  I suppose I’d be mad to discount her expertise and experience. It just all sounds so dreadfully silly…

  “Fine,” she sighed. “So there’s a legitimate case. But Bibbie, even if Millicent Grimwade is cheating, how are we supposed to prove it? I mean if a tribe of other witches and wizards have failed to uncover even the tiniest hint of thaumaturgic interference, what makes you think we’ll fare any better?”

  “Because,” said Bibbie, eyes shining, “Witches Inc. has a secret weapon!”

  With a flourish she reactivated the sprite trap’s etheretic field. In its small cage, the newly visible sprite buzzed and hummed.

  Melissande stared at it, then at Bibbie, with a dawning horror. “Oh, no. Emmerabiblia Markham, you cannot be serious!”

  Bibbie picked up the cage and made coochiecoochie faces at the sprite, which sparkled and buzzed back at her.

  “I can, you know,” she said. “I’ve never been more serious. We’ve already established that this thing disrupts thaumaturgic vibrations. All we have to do is smuggle it into the bake-off tomorrow morning and let interdimensional nature take its course!”

  “But what about Monk?”

  She shrugged. “What about him?”

  “Bibbie, he needs to send this sprite back to where it came from! We need him to send the horrible thing home, it’s a menace!”

  “And he will send it back, Mel. Once we’ve used it to save the agency,” said Bibbie. “Come on. Monk owes us. What’s three tins of tam
per-proof ink? We can buy that ourselves… or at least, we could if we had any money. But this sprite is priceless. This sprite is going to put Witches Inc. on the map, I can feel it in my bones. It’s not going back to Monk until it’s made us the heroines of Ottosland’s internationally celebrated Baking and Pastry Guild.”

  Melissande gnawed the edge of her thumb. “I don’t know. I don’t like this, Bibbie. I’ve had enough unnatural creatures to last me a lifetime.”

  “Really?” said Reg, staring down her beak. “Well, thank you very much, I’m sure.”

  Distracted, she smiled at the bird. “Don’t be silly, Reg. You’re not unnatural, you’re just irritating.”

  “And so are you,” snapped Bibbie. “Honestly, Mel. How can you be so short-sighted? Don’t you see this sprite is a gift?”

  A curse, more like it. But either she was going to trust Bibbie, or she wasn’t. “All right. Fine. But if this blows up in our faces—which is hideously likely—then I give you fair warning: I will swear with my hand on my heart that I don’t know you from a hole in the ground.”

  Bibbie put the sprite trap back on the desk and leaned over for the phone. “And when my plan works brilliantly—which it will—I am going to take all the credit.” Picking up the receiver she dialled, then waited. “Hello, Monk? It’s me.—Yes, we’ve got your stupid sprite but you can’t have it back until tomorrow.—Because I say so, that’s why.—Because something’s come up.—All right, because if you don’t stop yelling at me the next person I telephone will be Uncle Ralph.—Well, actually, I can. But I won’t. Not unless you—Good. I didn’t think so.—You’re welcome. See you tomorrow night, for dinner.”

  Melissande sighed. “Don’t tell me, let me guess. He’s not happy.”

  “Who cares?” said Reg. “Bibbie’s right. This is about saving the agency. So, Miss Markham. About this crazy plan of yours…”

  “It’s mad,” said Melissande much later, getting ready for bed. “And I’m mad for agreeing to it. Honestly, Reg, if something goes wrong…”

  Reg swallowed the last of her supper mouse, burped genteelly, then fluffed out her feathers. “Most likely it won’t. But if it does we’ll deal with it, ducky. Now put a sock in it and turn out the light. I’m not the only one around here who needs her beauty sleep.”

  Melissande concentrated on doing up her nightdress buttons. The trick with Reg was to just… not react. No matter what she said, no matter how rude she was, reacting only made things worse.

  Besides. It only hurts because she tells the unvarnished truth.

  Swathed in sensible pink flannel she padded across to the sprite trap on her lone bookcase, lifted up the blouse covering it, then flicked on the activation switch. Metaphysically revealed, the doleful sprite moped in the corner of the modified birdcage, its blue brightness dimmed.

  She frowned. “It doesn’t look very happy, Reg.”

  “Well, don’t you go trying to cheer it up,” Reg replied, cosily settled on the bedsit’s sole rickety chair. “No joyful ditties, for example. I’m still emotionally scarred from the last time I heard you sing.”

  The last time she sang she’d been three-quarters full of Orpington whiskey, which was totally understandable given the dire prevailing circumstances. She glowered at the bird. “That’s not very nice, Reg.”

  “Neither is your singing, ducky.”

  Ah—ah—ah! No reacting, remember?

  With teeth-gritted forbearance she turned off the sprite-revealer, dropped her blouse back over the cage and retreated to bed. “I still say this is a bad idea,” she said, putting her glasses on the bedside table then turning down the oil lamp’s wick until the bedsit was plunged into darkness.

  “Only because you didn’t think of it,” said Reg. “That Markham girl may be scatty but she’s also inventive. And she’s not scared to give things a go.”

  Melissande sat upright. “And you’re saying I am?”

  Reg fluffed her feathers again, the soft sound loud in the late night silence. “I’m saying it’s easy to let yourself get timid when life’s not behaving itself.”

  Stung, she felt her fingers tangle in the blankets. “I am not timid, Reg. I’m cautious.”

  Reg sniffed. “If you say so.”

  “I do say so! Somebody’s got to be. Between them, Monk and Bibbie are reckless enough to tip the whole world upside down and then shake its pockets so a few more bright ideas can fall out.”

  “It’s perfectly understandable,” said Reg, ignoring that. “Being timid. You had your whole life planned, didn’t you? Thanks to that charlatan Rinky Tinky woman, you thought you were a genuine witch-inthe-making. You thought Bibbie’s Madam Olliphant was going to proclaim you a star. But that’s what these Rinky Tinky hussies do, ducky. They tell you what you want to hear so you’ll give them money, and so long as you keep on paying they’ll keep on fertilising your false hopes.”

  Slowly, she lowered herself back to the mattress. Do I want to talk about this? Let me think… “Yes, well, my beauty sleep beckons. Night-night, Reg, I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “No need to be ashamed,” said Reg, oblivious. “You were bamboozled by a line of hokum, madam, but that’s not a crime. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last.”

  “It seems to be about the only thing I’ve got a talent for,” she muttered. “Getting bamboozled. I’ve been hoodwinked twice now. By Madam Ravatinka… and by Lional.”

  “You can’t go blaming yourself for Lional,” said Reg, gruffly. “Nobody can help being related to an insane thaumaturgical criminal. I mean, it’s not as though you weren’t related and fell in love with him, is it? And it’s not as though he was some bugger you met and fell in love with, and married, even though everyone was telling.”

  Melissande blinked in the bedsit’s faintly illuminated gloom. “Is that how you ended up an immortal bird?”

  “I’m not immortal,” said Reg, with another sniff. “Not exactly. I can get run over, shot, stabbed, starved or beheaded like the next careless clot. But provided I don’t do anything silly, the only way I’ll die is if someone tries to lift the hex my hus—that got put on me.”

  “That’s good to know,” she said, after a moment. “But it’s not what I asked.”

  “Yes, Melissande,” said Reg, so quietly. “That’s how I ended up an immortal bird.”

  There was such a wealth of sadness in Reg’s funny, scratchy little voice that Melissande felt her eyes prickle. “Anyway,” she said, clearing her throat and blinking hard at the hazy ceiling. “I’m not being timid. I’m simply expressing a perfectly reasonable concern about Bibbie’s plan.”

  Another soft rustling sound as Reg fluffed out her feathers yet again. “Then think of another one if you’re so convinced hers is going to go kablooey.”

  She felt her face scrunch into another frown. “I can’t.”

  “I suppose we could have a word with Mister Clever Clogs,” said Reg idly. “He must know all there is to know about black market thaumaturgy. Maybe—”

  “No, Reg,” she said. “This is none of Monk’s business. This is Witches Inc. business and we’re going to solve the case without his help.”

  Reg snorted. “Except for the sprite, you mean.”

  “The sprite doesn’t count.”

  “If you say so, ducky.”

  Well, it didn’t count. It was an accident. A case of serendipity. It wasn’t as if they’d asked Monk to give them an interdimensional sprite.

  Besides. He owes me. I’m still not sure I scrubbed off all the sprite shit.

  “You know, Reg,” she said, snuggling beneath her blankets, “this whole affair is so hard to believe. And all those stories Bibbie told us… pastry brushes at forty paces and the rest of it. Grown women! They ought to be ashamed of themselves.”

  “Ah well,” said Reg, around a yawn. “Everyone needs a hobby. Besides. Do you really want to tell that Wycliffe woman to bugger off back to her cake tins and take her money with her?”

&nbs
p; “Of course I don’t,” she murmured, eyes drifting closed. “I just hope we’re not biting off more than we can chew.”

  “Ha,” said Reg, stifling another yawn. “From the size of your buttocks, ducky, I’d say there’s nothing you can’t chew through.”

  If she hadn’t needed her pillow, Melissande would’ve thrown it at the wretched bird.

  She and Reg met Bibbie outside the Town Hall at half-past ten the following morning. From the number of well-to-do ladies crowding the footpath and jostling their way up the Town Hall steps to go inside, the annual Golden Whisk competition was something of a highlight on Ottosland’s social calendar.

  “Blimey!” said Bibbie, staggering back a few paces. “Do my eyes deceive me, Mel, or are you wearing a dress?”

  Melissande glowered at her. “No, actually. I’m wearing a blouse-waist and a walking skirt.”

  “Never mind the pettifogging details,” said Bibbie, waving them away with a flick of her fingers. “The salient point is that you’re not wearing trousers.”

  “Oh, shut up. Your brother’s carpetbag didn’t go with my tweeds.”

  “It doesn’t go with the blouse-waist and walking skirt, either,” said Reg, under her breath in case a passer-by was listening. “But let’s not try to run before we can crawl.”

  “And you can shut up too,” said Melissande, twitching her shoulder. She still hadn’t quite forgiven that last crack about butt—muscles one sits on. “Now, are we going to get this done or would you two prefer to stand out here critiquing my sartorial efforts while Millicent Grimwade gets away with metaphorical murder?”

  Bibbie was still grinning at the change of attire. “Really, a princess dress would’ve been more appropriate, Mel.”

  “A princess dress is what they’ll bury you in, Bibbie, if you don’t shut up so we can get this over with!”

  Bibbie rolled her eyes. “Tetchy, isn’t she?” she asked Reg, conversationally. “Did you remember the sprite?”